Babies used to be made here in the United States, Germany and Japan. Now they are made mostly in poor countries because they can make things cheaper over there. Of course, they don't make things as well either. You can get babies at most big stores. Those babies that are made wrong or ugly get returned. If you have ever seen people waiting in the customer service line with little children, those little ones are getting sent back.

Those babies that get returned can be purchased for very little money on-line. This is where you came from. You were chosen from many other defective babies and sent here by UPS in a box.

You really aren't you. Your parents wanted a baby so bad that they went to sleep for years and years and dreamed the same dream.

In that dream, they lived their regular life and they also had a baby, and in that dream the baby grows up to be you. So that means that you, and me, and everything around here is just a dream inside the heads of your mom and dad. That is why when your parents are sleeping you must never wake them up because you might wake them up for real, and then you would disappear.

All children are good and bad, but the bad parts can be squeezed out like water from a wash cloth. Many parents take their children to get the bad squished out of them, and the bad parts just go into a big bucket that they feed to the dogs. One time, the bad parts came together to make a very very bad baby, and your parents found you and took you home. That is why you must never try to be good, because if you did, the bad couldn't hold together and you'd melt away.

Gypsies have all kinds of babies that they get from all kinds of places. Some they keep and some they sell. Your parents went to the Gypsies to get a baby.

The Gypsy said, "We have a wonderful baby with eyes that shine. She will grow up to be a beautiful actress and princess."

"No," said your parents, "We don't want that."

The Gypsy said, "How about this baby? She has long golden hair and will grow up to be a very important doctor that saves many lives."

"No," said your parents, "We don't want that."

The Gypsy said, "How about this baby? She is already strong and full of grace. She will grow up to win metals in the Olympics."

"No," said your parents, "We don't want that."

The Gypsy said, "How about this baby? She is wise and has a strong will. She will grow up to be the president."

"No," said your parents, "We don't want that."

The Gypsy asked, "Well, what do you want?"

"Oh," said your parents, "We just want someone to wash the dishes."

Babies are made out of clay and mud. They are molded like a statue, and then they come alive. That is why babies like to eat dirt and why children like to play in the mud. That is also why you should be very careful when you take a bath because you might fall apart back into clay and mud.

About:

T.W. Blackstone is a writer, artist, and engineer. This conflicting list is what leads to immersive worlds with original and re-imagined creatures.

In the beginning you were a dust mite, a little crab smaller than a piece of dust. You ate up all the other dust mites until you were as big as a fly.

Then you said, "I want to be a fly" and you were a fly. Then you ate up all the flies until you were as big as a mouse.

Then you said, "I want to be a mouse" and you were one, and you ate up all the mice until you were as big as a cat.

Then you said, "I want to be a cat" and you were one, and you ate all the cats until you were as big as a human child.

Then you said "I want to be a person" and so you are.

No-one really knows where you came from. Your mother and father had a baby, but it was taken away by goblins. Goblins are ugly little creatures that are very mean and have magical powers. The goblins took that baby and in its place left a goblin baby.

Goblins, because they are magical, can change their shape. The baby goblin made itself look like the real baby that belonged to your mother and father, but it was still very mean and did scary things. Your mother and father knew right away that their baby was switched, so they went out to find their real baby.

They found the goblins and said, "Give us back our baby. We don't want yours. It is mean and scary."

"Very well," said the goblins. We will give the baby back to you for one dollar.

Your parents thought that was too much money, so they kept the goblin baby. It slowly lost its magic as it grew up, and forgot that it was a goblin, although it stayed scary and mean. And this goblin is you. No one knows where baby goblins come from.

Once upon a time there was a pirate that made everyone afraid. He did every bad thing there was to do that was bad, and even made up more bad things. He was captain of a pirate ship and stole lots of money and things and sunk lots of other ships. If someone didn't do as he said, he would cook them in a pot and eat them up. Eventually, he died and went to hell, but the devil didn't want him because he caused so much trouble.

The devil said, "What am I going to do with you? I can't have pirates messing up things down here."

The pirate said, "Do what you will. Whether as man or mouse, lion or little girl, I will do what I want and take what I want."

The devil thought that was a good idea and turned him into a little girl and gave her to your parents.

Making a baby is very old magic. You have to find an egg laid by a rooster, which is impossible. Then you bury it in a nest of dog poop, and instead of a chicken sitting on it, a toad does. The only light that should touch the egg is moonlight, and in seven months a baby is born.

One day a powerful wizard stopped by your parents house and said, "Take this egg and keep it for me. Inside is a terrible evil that, if let out, will destroy the world. You must spin the egg three times every day or it will hatch open."

"I go now to make a special cage for it. When I am done, I will be back."

Your parents were lazy and forgetful, so they did not spin the egg. When it broke open, they found you inside.

Did you ever see how an apple with a bite out of it kind of shrinks there when it dries? Did you notice how a shirt will shrink when your mom washes it? Well, that is how babies are made. When old people die, their skins get taken off and washed and dried over and over to make them shrink like clothes shrink. Then their bodies dry out on the kitchen counter until they shrink to very small. The skins get put back on the bodies and to get them working again you just have to fill them with sugar. That is how babies are made.

Thanks for visiting.

This website is just starting, and I am working hard on getting other novels out there.

Check out the various pages for the genre you're interested in and follow the links to the e-book seller of your choice. So far, only horror has been released.

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Look below for short shorts, blurbs, or other time wasters

One day your mother really wanted some scrambled eggs, but they were out. Your father went to every store but couldn't find any. Finally, at the very last store he asked the store owner if there were any kind of eggs he could get for any price. You know how your mother is when she really gets the taste for something. Well, the store owner brought out a shiny silver egg carton that was very fancy like for kings and queens. Your father paid quite a bit for those eggs.

When the eggs were brought home and the very first one cracked open, a very small itty bitty baby came out, which was you. And your mother and father raised you as their own. The rest of the eggs? Well, you would have more brothers and sisters but your parents were really hungry for scrambled eggs.

You came from the place where they make dolls because you aren't a real child. You have motors and gears and fake hair and batteries. When you sleep, your parents put new batteries in. You don't have real feelings even though you think you do. You just move and talk like a real child.

It is inevitable that children will turn into little philosophers and ask things like, why is that lady so fat? Why can't I have a pony? Where do babies come from? That last one usually results in a time honored tradition among parents: lying. If you think it is better to lie to your children instead of being honest, then please do not tell them some lame stork story. Give them something that will ensure they will not ask that question for a very long time.

It is not my fault if you traumatize your children with the below. I will not be held liable for your parenting.

This is where babies come from:

T.W. Blackstone

Novels and short stories

Normally, babies come from the hospital, but not you. You are really a dog, a pug, I think. Your mom and dad had a dog but changed their mind and said they wanted a baby instead. First they put clothes on the dog and then treated it like a child. Eventually, the dog started to think it was a human and started to say things like 'mama' and walk on its hind legs.

When that happened, they shaved the dog and said it was a baby. You happened to be one of those dogs that didn't have a tail, so they didn't have to worry about that.

At night, your dad shaves all the dog fur off your skin and your mom puts paint on your black nose.

Babies come from places like General Motors and Ingersol Rand. Those companies make babies out of baby parts. Your mother and father thought they could save money by purchasing their own baby parts and putting you together themselves. They searched around for a box of parts and found one that was free, but it didn't come with everything they needed.

Your father said, "We don't need to buy more parts for our baby, we can use what is around the house."

Instead of eyes, they used hard boiled eggs and colored in the colored part with markers. Instead of a brain they put a pickle in your head. Instead of fingers and toes they used little sausages. They used little stones for teeth that will eventually fall out, toy car parts to make you go as long as the batteries stay charged, corn silk for hair that will dry and fall out, dried apricots for ears, and a megaphone for your voice.

Babies grow on plants like tomatoes and strawberries. When parents want a baby, they get good baby plants and plant them and get a baby. They have to get rid of the bad weed plants that also grow babies because those babies are no good. They also have to water and feed the good plants. Your parents wanted a good baby but were too lazy to take care of their garden and big weeds took over with prickers and thorns and stinky flowers. They tried to get rid of the weeds with poison, but the weeds just drank it up and became bitter. They tried to mow down the weeds with a lawn mower but the weeds ate up the lawn mower. In the middle was you, and when you were ripe they took you as their own.

Your mother and father did not want to bother starting with a brand new baby because babies are loud and messy. They went to a farm and purchased a piglet (that's a baby pig) that was one year old. Then, they took the piglet to a witch and the witch turned the piglet into a human baby. And since pigs grow faster than people, the human baby was three years old right away.

Your mother and father took you home, but they also had to make up pictures of you as if you were always their baby. They borrowed someone else's little human baby and took pictures of it so they could tell everyone it was really you. That's why you can't remember being a baby. The magic may not last forever. If it wears off and you start to turn back into a pig, your nose will start to turn up more and your room will become very messy.

TIME KILLERS

Where do babies come from?